Bleeding Within

"My final goodbye."

2008-08-30T15:13:00.000-07:00

Caught in Between Bars
stuck in a song
life without words
love without meaning
living a curse.

. . . *note above* mourning that my home is my own hell~

I feel like time is pulling me back
turning the clock against me
like every growing minute, the world struggles venomously against me.

I thought I got out of this cave.
I thought I pulled out of this trap.
out of this hole
out of this hate
out of this feeling-YEARS ago.

Now I'm back to the beginning.
Everything is new.
the cave, colder
the trap, different
the hole, deeper
the hate, more complex
I hate being in this "darkness"
What else would you call it?
It hovers over me like the sobbing, screaming mourns of a funeral.
It never leaves.

Its like I must stay, live-even, without emotion just to stay afloat. I'm not naive and I'm not an idealist. I feel this madness...everywhere and I just have to cross my fingers that I'll be alright.
That is where I falter.
It's only hope.
It's not a guarantee of sanity.
This is my call for help.
This is my reminder.
This is my goodbye.

Some people amaze me

2008-08-15T18:31:00.001-07:00

Some people amaze me.

Do you ever meet those people who find it hard to laugh, hard to live, hard to love and forgive? Do you ever bump into those people who treat you like a stranger, like a hater, like a criminal if you don't follow their beliefs? Do you ever see those people who treat others with resent, cynical pity, and malignancy?

These are the people that make me wonder.
These are the people that make me think.

Even though I'm only 15, I like to think I'm beyond my years. Maybe through life experience (broken back; losing feeling in your leg for seconds that feel like forever) and maybe through realization. I'm not sure. Maybe that's a little bold for me to say. You tell me.

But right now, let me tell you.

I'm always curious to know why people hate.
why people let hate get to them
get in the way.

I want to know why people disrespect.
Why people push.
Why people tease.
Rationalize the dismemberment of peoples' lives, ideas, family, and love.

Why do people do that? I don't know. I can only wonder.

Especially since you only have one life to live.

Depending on your religion or faith, you may have an afterlife or multiple lives...but why would that ever matter? Is that an excuse? Is that a reason why you have the right to scrutinize people until they shrink into what your ideals want them to be?

Let's get real.

Say, if atheists are right, and you only have one life to live, what would you do? Would you be a better person? Would you love and let go? Would you let hateful comments and insults slide? Would you laugh more, live more, and judge less? Would you learn to love people for who they are, not what they could be or should be or even have the potential to be? Would you accept that there are people out there that are a better person than you no matter what you do or say? Would you get catty? Or would you just brush it off your shoulder?

Do you want to be remembered by the living and those dead as someone who said something? Hurt someone? Pushed someone to the ground? Looked down? Stuck your nose in the air?

Someone who didn't reach out and grab your hand? Someone who wasn't afraid of hugging a stranger? Someone who wasn't afraid to feed the unfortunate? Someone who realized that some of the most "unfortunate" are some of the most loving, gentle, and caring people in the world?

I don't know...are you?

Service-Workers

2008-08-15T18:27:00.002-07:00

I have a question for the world.

Why do we treat those who serve us like dogs?

As a teenage American, I find this to be extremely disturbing, but then again, occasionally reasonable.

My argument is coming from a high school junior who has been working for a year now and has even gotten a promotion not ever given to someone as young as I. Nevertheless, I noticed that as a bagger at the grocery store, I was treated better and with much more kindness than how I am as a cashier. I have just started training for cashier and I am already one of the faster if not the fastest, most efficient, and kindest cashiers in my grocery store. However, people tend to treat me awfully. How is this? Is it that I am the cause or the blame of their financial grief? As a cashier, I would like to moan about the fact that I DO NOT CONTROL THE PRICES OF YOUR FOOD and most especially your produce. I type in the codes, yes, the codes, the universal codes used in every store where produces is found: NOT THE PRICE. So when you say, whilst I am looking for a code sticker, "its 2 for $5, you know," and I mutter, "I know," it means, "yes, I know, whatever, but that doesn't help me in the least bit because I don't memorize prices only universal codes made by the manufacturer/wholesaler."

Let me go on. Why do people treat those who are serving them like dirt? Instead of assuming that you are going to be served in the worst way possible, why not treat them as though they are doing you a favor? I find this extremely necessary in service-oriented stores. For example, I am taking the time to scan your food and coupons. You could have gone to UScan, so please do not give me accusing looks. I'm not going to change prices from what they are in the system. I CAN'T change the prices in the system. I'm not cheating you into giving me more money. Okay, and I can see why you would get upset that I don't know where exactly pickled pimentos are, but I doubt I'm going to try to help you find out where they are if you roll your eyes at me, snarl a thank-you through your teeth, and leave in a huff.

How about those of us who AREN'T teenagers such as myself who are working in fast-food joints, grocery stores, or restaurants? In a world where service means business, why do we treat our service workers like shit? I ask this over and over again. Do people think that by looking down at us, that we will make things better and straighten up? Never! Do they think we are trying to make their lives miserable?

For ONCE I would love to see SOMEONE treat another human being with respect.

For example, someone bumps their cart into your cart at the grocery store. A simple apology and both parties depart. However, if a customer runs their cart into a employee who most definitely had the right of way (as in putting cans on a shelf), the CUSTOMER becomes furious at the ignorant employee. Though this customer never took the few seconds needed to just say, "excuse me."

If someone messed up your order at McDonalds, you get pissed. Well, have you ever tried to read 3+ orders on a 12x12 screen 7 feet away from your face and keep track of where all the stuff from that order is being kept? Who has it? The burger guy? The fry guy? The guy up front? The guy at the window? No, he has the last 2 orders. What do you do?

Can no one forgive a simple mistake?

If we treat others as if they are going to royally fuck up, why shouldn't they?

-A useless and unintelligible rant by none other than Sydney Barnes using the most primitive form of writing and the vocabulary of a chimp (I'm sorry, I this was the worst I've ever written.)

Mumbles of a thoughtful heart~

2008-08-15T18:27:00.001-07:00

I'm a bird in a cage.
I sing, I cry, I die.

How lonesome is the bird that can sing a song so beautiful but dares not utter a word for fear that his song will never be replied.

You set me alight like an open flame to a gas torch, and I burn away at you, but in the end, you're always gone. And in these modern days, you're becoming harder and harder to find. I don't want you anymore. I don't need you anymore.

Nevermore, nevermore, my love for you doth wither. You left me to cry and to bleed and now you want me come hither? Begone, past lover, your love was never true. For if you did love me for me, you would have said, "I do"

Sewer of Society
It's a war
You are killing
People screaming
streams of blood never end
hate and violence
always key to a Republican democracy

Lovely folk you all are here
sitting in your living rooms
watching the news
change the channel to something new

Unpopular war that everyones' left
millions of people smothered in debt
losing homes and losing jobs
all to Brazil and India
...its not their loss.

Arabic men take all the slam.
Their beards must be shaved or, god, they'll be damned
fucked in the ass and treated like a terrorist
These people deserve justice
Where is justice in our world?

Materialism grows with every growing year
and as years go by I see fewer bikes
no ones' outside...

They've all got their GameBoys,
and their PS2s
lined up on the wall
brainless cartoons without morals,
We've dumbed down just about them all

Political correctness turns to ridiculous actions
kids getting fatter, meaner, dumber, sicker, spoiled and raised by germophobes.
No wonder we're a nation so dead in growth.

Suicide~

2008-08-15T17:58:00.001-07:00

I think its sad that suicide gets slammed so often. It's not justified, but sometimes...its necessary.

But then again, is it? I'm not saying that anyone is to blame or that anyone is a bad person. I want that to be understood right away. Thank you. Do you ever wonder, though, what their last seconds, even milliseconds of thought, feeling, and emotion are like? I know I went through a suicidal stage of my life and now, I'm over it and I'm the quarkiest Buddhist you will ever meet. However, do you ever wonder if they ever thought about how badly they would hurt everyone.

I suppose I'm suggesting suicide as a selfish act of self mutilation. However, that's not what I mean. Can you imagine how his (I'm making up a person to serve as a subject-->I am not talking about any real, given person at all. Promise) mother felt when she saw him dead? When his brother found him bleeding, dying, dead? When his little sister lost her best friend? When his father lost his son? When the mother who birthed him and breast fed (I assume that if you are at the age of suicidal thoughts, your parents did not have access to formula...or formula was crap back then) him and may have almost lost him at birth or after birth, watched him fall down and get back up, watched him learn, watched him laugh, watched him create and destroy, see her blood...see her son withered on the sofa...see her son's head blown to bits...see her son's blood soak up every smile on he face for decades to come...did she fail as a mother? What did she do wrong? It must have been her fault. She did something wrong. She didn't raise him right. She didn't make him happy.

Can you see where I'm getting at? I want to make sure you guys know that I'm just telling the other side of the story. I do believe that suicide can be justified...but sometimes I think its a little selfish and hurtful. On one hand, you're losing the dreaded pain of living day to day...on the other hand, you're spreading insufferable pain to all who ever cared about you in the least. ...and I can guarantee that nearly every one of them think that they were to blame. That they didn't do anything right. That they should have stopped you. That they could have made it better. That they could have taken your hand and told you that they love you. That they need you. That you are their light, their love, their reason to smile.

Just a thought....